Plague

what are those eyebrows!!

I've met with the angels
Danced with the devil in my head, and that's okay
I've tried to be the strongest
When I was the weakest inside, and that's okay

This is about to get personal sorry:
Ever since I was little I've had depression, yes children get depression too. However as the years went by my depression became worse. From attempted suicide attempts, anti depressant and really shitty therapist. Each telling me the same thing. "There was nothing they could do." Or flat out bailing on me because you know "budget cuts." This led to drinking, hiding bottles of wine and vodka in my bedroom cupboard. Drinking myself to sleep to numb the pain etc. At 13 I got into a relationship. Young love aye at first it was lovely, we'd talk, hang out chill etc and then at 16 he changed, he ended up hanging out with new people, became aggressive, screamed and belittled me. Anytime I was having a good day there he was to remind me that the world was better of without me. Two years later he moved away. So our relationship deteriorated, I tell people i ended things but in reality if he was still here I'd probably still be with him. At 18 I became what people class as a whore, I slept around, didn't even matter to me who they were. This was also near the time of my sexual assault. The only thing that mattered to me was that they were single, I'm not a monster. Fast forward to 21 and got into my second serious relationship, A guy called Jake, you know that nibbling gut feeling you get that something isn't right listen to that, two years into our relationship he admitted to cheating on numerous occasions and he was only telling me now as one of them could potentially be pregnant. You can imagine how that ended! A few months after we broke up I started dating a guy called Connor, the most fucked up person I dated. He faked a mental disorder, after attempting to break up with him the first time he got a friend to call and say he had attempted suicide and was in hospital. He'd clearly forgotten he still had me on Facebook, as he'd posted a picture of him and his mates at a bar. I screengrabbed the photo and sent it to him, of course he said his phone was stolen. Yet he was messaging me back on the same number. :)
The reason I vanish alot from gasr is because 90% of the time I'm battling suicidal thoughts and depression. My upbringing as decent as it was was based on keeping your mouth shut, you have an issue suck it up, my dad screaming and shouting. Imagine being told daily from your dad from the age of 5. "How fucking retarded you were" because you struggled with a certain thing, or being reminded constantly that you aren't good enough. There were days I sat in my room with pills and vodka whilst my family sat downstairs and not once checked on me. I started sitting downstairs with them, and with my mum it's lovely it's really helped, but my dad and sister began picking at all my flaws, physically and mentally. When I'd get upset they'd call me weak or pathetic and tell me not to be so sensitive. My mother would say nothing and instead tell me to apologise. So my life has enough issues as it is and if I vanish it's not personal it's because of my mental health