Martinus

I kind of didn't really know how to start writing this status. But I wanted to because it's a huge recap on me and all the things I've been through that I haven't shared with many people. May it inspire or comfort you when you feel the same like I do. Make you feel less alone maybe.

 

Back when I was around the age of 15 and maturing, I failed to realise that the things and special outgoing activities I did with family or friends were slowly losing it's excitement and the joy I experienced. I was procedurally losing joy and willpower to do things on my own. Slightly after that I was blooming socially and somewhat physically, confronting myself with the awkwardness of being open about myself and my interests, teaching myself to socialise. I got a lot of friends and was considered extroverted by a lot of people. However I always felt alone, distant and empty being around my friends or doing any activities.

 

By the time I graduated in 2017 on my study for graphic design and game art, I fell into a loophole uncertain what to do. I was too insecure to follow my dreams and tried more simple education to find a job suiting me and providing me with economical stability with thoughts on the future. 

 

I can tell you those plans didn't work out. I had stressed myself out and had everything crashing down upon me. I became hypersensitive to every person important around me that struggled, siphoning all of my energy into them and it felt I was met with zero in return. I started cutting off people around me, stopped doing things I had to do and cut almost everything out of my life. 

 

Despite starting a new study in September 2018 I literally gave no fuck anymore about anything, but especially myself. I felt like perishing on my own, because it felt like I had nothing or nobody to live for. I couldn't sleep anymore and I had daily outbreaks of crying and anger with no reasoning as to why. The smallest bits of critique on me would hurt me because it'd make me feel utter useless. I believed everybody was looping their way around me and used me for their own good  and would ditch me once I no longer deemed useful to them. Every humble word the people I loved spoke to me were lies and manipulation to keep me just close enough for when they needed me. The feelings of self hatred amplified and felt justified, when indeed almost all of the people I cut off did not even look back as to where I disappeared to or bothered to ask me how I was really doing.

 

Things felt crucial to me when the joy and euphoria I felt from art had dissipated.  

I felt like a hollow shell of bitterness and failure. I quit my study to take time for myself and to figure myself out. It was honestly the best thing I could've done at the time and I'm thankful for getting that space from my family, even if at times my family kept intervening and pushing me which I understand to be out of love.

 

In February 2019 I went to the doctor for a minor health complication. She checked up on me and asked me about my diabetes type 1, and how according to my medical documents, I hadn't made a visit to the hospital for any assistance or checkups in over 3 years, and she asked me as to why and how I was doing right now. I ended up crying and opening up, expressing my hopelessness and addressing my state of mind and the more ominous thoughts that I was having. She immediately directed me to a psychologist and made medical appointments for me to get a medical check on everything.

 

I've somehow met light in July 2019, and it's been a year of fighting and struggling up and down since, but in general I keep climbing and that is the very reason I am writing this status. 

 

Last week I got the news that I'm accepted into university again after initially dipping out of the admission rounds in June. I received perfect feedback and I couldn't even keep my tears to myself that day. I'm going to be studying for my bachelors in Games and Interactive Design. It was a huge and stressful period where I had to work on a massive admission project and expose my portfolio again while keeping my financial situation stable throughout the corona crisis with no job. I been having therapy to deal with my social anxiety disorder started in July this year and I will use many of the fundamentals I learned on my new art journey and my social life. My social anxiety disorder has been a major part of my life caused by trauma in my early teens, providing me with self-centered cynical thoughts and feels almost like a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

I occasionally still struggle with ominous thoughts and self hatred, it's honestly humilitiating and upsetting but I've never hurt myself and don't think I ever would now. This must also be my first time admitting I suffer from this to a lot of people, but it will no longer be taboo from me since I feel at heart that a lot of people struggle with or relate to a certain degree.

 

I'm just happy to pick up life and having a physical feeling of future and progression, to be brave enough to expose my essence and what I stand for to anybody and to say out loud again that I matter. I'm done hiding my sexuality, my diabetes, my interests or my personality. I've hidden myself to so many people throughout my entire teenage years in fear of being hurt or humiliated again. I'm done living on numbed-out survival mode and I'm ready to feel alive and strife for happiness even if it'd be nothing but a dream. It's not about the results anymore for me, it's about the journey that I will make and I'm working on rewiring that in my brain.

 

I can say art and the people who support my work are a contributing part of what allowed me to mend and pick myself up. The support and people I met that have been patient and supportive of me and my personality worked as a foundation to self acceptance and healing. Every little vote or comment I get on my art helped me realise that I matter and that I have an essence that will never ever go away. Some of these people became really close friends, because they were also interested in the person behind the art. They made me realise that people miss me, want to be friends with me, listen to me, and be there for me.

 

It took me almost a week to word and write this message and even now when I'm approaching the end I'm tearing up. Because this year was filled with solitude and financial stress but for the first time I continued for myself and didn't give up on me. I feared the worst for myself but I kept on going.

 

If you made it to the end I thank you for reading. I'm going press the submit button even if I fear to do so because I stand with my words and I will try my hardest to continue living by my words and the things I have learned.